Feels like ages…
I have not been able to save what I have written the past few days. I hope this one sticks.
I have much to say and not much time! It is truly a week of socialising that has past for me…. Every single day bar none, since 1st August, have there been drinking occasions. I come from a fairly big drinking family, it would be safe to say, and my mum and her husband have been here staying. It has been surprisingly simple to know what is for me and what is not. I have been sticking to mes choses… and my other drinks of bitter and better for me brands. Once I explained that I cannot hangover – it wastes my life and sends me into a crevasse of self-despising misery – they understood. The initial reaction was…. what a crazy thing to do! Even now everyone seems to think that at day 100 I am going to get so pissed that I cannot stand! My strategy is very strictly sticking to thinking about today only.
I am reprogramming my drinky brain. It has been (with a few tiny pauses) been drinking for 33 years. That is a mighty long time. I love myself without booze. Really really really really love looking the world in the eye without the background of something just ”not right”. Waking up in the night feeling that all is well with my soul.
It comes at price of no hangovers, no shame, no guilt, no gorgeous white wine in the cool summer, and no rich red in the winter and no cold beer on the verandah, and no rose in the spring…. However, I can put something coloured in a wine glass and sip it and feel like I am joining in and it will be fine. The craving lasts all of 5 minutes and it goes. It is weird how one drink can de-rail everything. And I am not an alcoholic …. I certainly didn’t do a bottle a day, any secret drinking, any alone time drinking and so on… and I find it hard to contemplate a future without it…. However, one thing is sure, day by gentle day the brains plasticity reshapes our thinking… I am going to keep on keeping on. Never more than now do I understand ”one day at a time”. The last time I gave up I was holding my breath for three months so that I could get back in the saddle. Not this time. It is different.
Day four seems like day 400 ! It feels like ages ago that I have stopped the booze train and jumped off. I have woken up (on day 5) with a headache like a hangover but none of the associated feeling of an invisible audience in my head tut-tutting and shaking their heads and accusing. So that is great.
If ever there was a period to give up this is both very hard and very brilliant. I have social event after social event and guests staying. Every social event is alcohol centred, or so it seem to me. However, whilst this is hard for a few reasons, it is excellent for others. For instance I am feeling good (apart from headache which goes) good emotionally, and I can look myself and my kids in the eye. Every day. Love it. I have energy to be really present to the people around me.
The thing that I took from the wonderful lessons, which is rumbling around in my head is that this ”sober trial” is like a reboot of the old wiring in the brain. It is like putting a floppy disk in the the brain’s computer and trying to reset it. If I drink I take the floppy disk out and the reset will have to start again (if I want it to of course) and this is not easy….
And I like the picture of a little red sober car with me driving, rolling down a hill gathering momentum. The beginning is meant to be hard. We are going somewhere we are not used to being, and we need some help to show us the way, and to point out pitfalls. And we need some fuel for our little sober cars. Today I am going to buy this artisanal lemonade with some rosemary or herb or thing in it, which I saw in a little expensive organic shop. It costs about €4 – less by a way than a bottle of wine.
I am happy to go another day.
By and large a good day. I listened to lessons 2,3 and 4 from Belle. There is such a wealth of help in them that I will definitely listen again. I found this morning that I feel gnawed about future events more than right today’s challenges. But this changed as the day wore on. I felt really irritated and grumpy with ones’ nearest and dearest. I took some comments in a very old way and felt very frustrated with the darling one. However, I apologised knowing that I was grumpy and gritty. But it continued and my grumpiness gnawed and gnawed. Anyway, I went to the airport to fetch precious family and got back to hungry household, scantily prepared dinner and very arsey nearest and dearest. Whilst I poured beers and wine for all….. my arsey one persisted in arsey-ness. Hmmmmm. Asked the person to please understand and be nice and patient with me as I was trying to do something that I was finding rather hard right at that moment. Then the person in question said…”Well that’s your choice isn’t it?”. I was exploding with…. annoyance and wishing to join in with a drink and peevishness at not being ”supported” and thinking of all sorts of ways to ”not support” the dearest one in revenge!! Just then a friend S called and asked if Josh was free to fetch THEIR friend from the Easybus as S had drunk too much to drive… Josh was out and I owe many a dog sit to S and was very happy to volunteer to leave the quaffing bunch to their wine on the patio. Off I go and pick up G. G, it turns out was sent to my direct by the Lord. G has not drunk a drop for two years and actively rejects it and is very happy to be a sober person. He was supportive and kind and UNDERSTOOD. I dropped him off with S and went home to the family. His Arsey-ness no longer bugged me, and I was quite happy to serve them more wine, as I don’t resent their drinking one bit! I am more than happy for them to do as they would like. Various degrees of understanding emanate…. But they are a great bunch and I am very glad they are here. And thank God for G as I felt like I had a kindred spirit.
I’m hoping that I get a bit more interesting as the days go by. Last night I was at a friends house – a wonderful friend who only serves really gorgeous wine! I have left her house on more than one occasion absolutely shit faced! Last night I was a little grumpy going up there. It was very hot here, and the traffic had been stressful all day… I took my pink grapefruit juice and tonic, added some ice and pink grapefruit slices in a big round glass. I had two and then topped up the glass with Perrier all night. It was absolutely fine.
The funny thing is, you can only drink so many soft drinks and then you are full. But with wine I could drink all night and still be thirsty for more. And more. Why is it that the wine stomach in not easily satisfied?
Another day down. All good and lots of reasons to keep going.
Day One is over.
To be honest it was just another ordinary day. Very lovely as I treated my body to lunch out with I. And we discussed the pros of non boozy filled lives… Very pleasant. I think it is easy today. What I need to refrain from doing is panicking about the future. I just need to think of today – 24 hours and do (as Belle says) hour to hour if it is hard.
I am doing this as an EXPERIMENT. I am not planning on never drinking again (right now) and I am planning on ONLY 100 days. This may or may not change…
One thing I have read strikes me. Saying yes to one drink means saying yes to hundreds and hundreds. This is so true.
Tick, day one. Thanks to my fellow journey-ers N and I.
Love you x
Off I head to my last drinks party for a while…..
Well as I go off on my bike with my favourite bottle of Italian wine in my basket… to the house of old friends for a birthday apero ….. I am feeling fairly okay. I feel like I am saying goodbye to an old friend. Because whilst I am telling myself that it is only a 100 day experiment, I am afraid that it will turn out that I like it so much that I stay away. Every thought which comes into my head which is rocking me slightly, causing me to feel like the odd one out, causing me to think life is going to be boring and I am going to wear pastel frilly shirts for the rest of my life… all these thoughts I am banishing with my fuck you wolfie mantra. It is possible to be cool and fit in and one of the crowd and enjoy life without the buzz of alcohol sheening over reality like a lying blanket. The following is the little pledge I do to Belle in order for her to become my penpal for the next year…..
“I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed … but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbour, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens … No matter what.”
What a thing to pledge. But I am holding my breath and diving in from 1 August 2018. Byeeeee.
Today is the day before day 1
GOOD MORNING ALL! Even though there are no followers! I am still working out the blog posts. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing and so will be sitting with the tutorial videos and editing it all as I go along!
I am mentally prepared for my challenge. I have N and I coming along with me and we are going to go for it! Personally these are my hopes/thoughts….
- I would like to reset my balance.
- I would like to see if my life is significantly improved without alcohol.
- To spend one full trajectory round the sun having one of each of the days without a drink.
- I do not expect to give up forever. I don’t want to say that. I would like to drink like a normal human and never have a hangover.
So those are my broad hopes. I have so many things I feel I am unproductive over because BBB gets in the way. Big Bad Booze. Not so much physically in the way as mentally in the way. My inner critic goes berserk when I drink. I would like that silenced. I want to do my art, I want to write, I want to make a big difference in the my world. There are so many things that I am excited about. I am definitely having a sober coach, because whilst this feels easy now, I know I will get rocky. You pay this lovely person to email you every single day for a year. You pay for her exquisite experience and wisdom and it is a brilliant investment into ME. So see you tomorrow for day one 😉
This is my first attempt at a blog… be patient with me 😉
I want to be able to share my next life stage with people. Only because I feel I am about to encounter some significant changes and if they could ever benefit anyone else out there then I will be happy. Thanks to a wonderful lady called Belle, I am embarking of 100 days alcohol-free. It feels like I am trying to go through a tiny tiny door, one that I will never be able to fit through! But I know that when I do go through, the other side will be much friendlier than I imagine. I am going to do it with the help of Belle, a sober coach. I am someone who can be very well behaved most of the time. But the other part of the time I am rowdy and raucous and I annoy myself. I want to do an experiment to see if excluding alcohol from my life will improve it, or make it boring… So here goes. Stay with me – my start date is 1 August 2018.
Thanks for joining me! I am a beginner blogger and I got this page as standard in my sign up to word press. But I like it. I am blogging because it will make me accountable. What seemed so terrifying last week has been made easier. The quote that I think turned my corner was… Do not let fear decide your future. I was so afraid of not drinking. It is all in the head. All in the mind and is not true. I will not let fear dictate my future. I want to be creative and productive every single day of my life. I do not want to waste another day with having low energy and misery cos I am hungover. It is not like I am an alcoholic. I have really tried to understand this. I am just a person who has occasions when they get way more drunk than they should and then detests themselves the whole of the next day. Be gone that person. I am aware that I am opening up my private head to the whole of the internet. And this is risky and I feel vulnerable. I am not afraid of judgment 😉 I know I am loved. Happy reading!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton