54. Tick.

Checking in.

I am here and so so so so happy to be here!  I have more than survived so many social occasions now.  The bar in which I drink most often has the most amazing gingerbeer which I have with soda to lessen the sweetness.  My friend the bar maid knows now that I am not drinking and she pops the drink into a huge bowl of a wineglass with lots of lime wedges and it is totally and utterly fine.

I read this from Belle the babe:

You might feel like you’re the sort of person
who has to experience something for yourself
before you believe it,
before you know it’s true for you.

You might say:
“I’d would like to be sober for 100 days
but then I’m going to experiment with moderation
because even though you tell me it doesn’t work,
I need to find out for myself.
I need to experience it.”

And I’ll say
we’re all a bit like this,
wanting to see for ourselves.

But the truth is
there are other things
that we don’t play with:
— Heroin
— LSD.
I just wouldn’t do them, even if offered.
I don’t need to see for myself

I don’t have to find out what third-degree burns are like either.

And booze is the same thing.

I don’t know anyone who feels great after a relapse.
Those stories just don’t exist.
And if you have a brain that thinks:
“Well, maybe…”
that’s an indication of Wolfie in there talking nonsense.

Imagine he was saying:
“Well, maybe we can have just one glass of gasoline.”

You’d be like: 
“No, none.
I don’t need to know what happens if I have one.
I can live without that knowledge.”

It is a tough one. Nearly everyone is saying well just 46 more days then…. And I am going to be on a long haul flight around day 100.  With free Champagne and gorgeous wine on offer.  Flying to two of my best friends for a little reunion.  How about the irony of that?  I can’t moderate.  Not this year.  And maybe not next year.  And maybe never.  Thing is I am not even going to try it out.  Thank you I have won these 54 days hard.  I am going nowhere.

Hope you are all well.  What are your thoughts?

Byeeee

 

50. Freaking fifty.

I am Mrs. Happy

It is with no surprise to myself that I am here.  I pledged not to drink for 100 days and nothing will make me do it.  So I was determined.  But really the big thing is getting that distance from day 1.   The longer away you get, the less you are itching for a drink.  I am not itching whatsoever.  I will surely itch again but I know what to do about those itches!!!

You see one of the benefits for me is this…. I often had a nagging feeling that I was wasting my time, talents and life.  Whenever we had a whole weekend of boozing, day and night I would curl up inside a little and think…. 1) our kids are watching and this is how they are going to think normal socialising is done.  Around a drink – only.  No other options.  2) I am wasting precious time.  I could be doing something else with my life.

Now it is not so much that ALL my time was spent wastefully drinking … not at all.  I obviously have done other stuff and achieved other things.  But the drinking culture which was/is so familiar to me gives a TONE to ones life which is not the tone I want for my life.  Drinking loads robs everyone of good things.  I could have learned another language, instrument, painted 100 pictures, written 40 poems or baked millions of cookies in all the time I have spent drinking and hungover.

This side of the booze door, I have not done anything major, but that feeling of wasted days has gone away.  I’m loving this life.  I am loving this feeling of no guilt re kids, friends, church…. I am eating a bit too much, but hey ho!  It will go!  And I am not afraid of future events…. Woo hoo.

I send love to everyone out there who is reading this and trying to decide to stop.  Try it.  Just for 100 days.  Go back to the beginning of this and read the pledge I made to not drink for those 100 days… It made such a difference that I am accountable to Belle, and to this blog.  It cost me money to go with Belle, and money to start this blog… But so much more money would have been spent on vino.  And I am worth the blog and the coach.  Because the world needs me sober.  And the world needs you sober!!!

Love to y’all

Byeeeee

48. inspiration so needed always

I found this amazingly helpful.

I am following a facebook page called Club Soda.  Alcohol free.  People connect and help each other and encourage each other.  I love it.  I have seen this girl, agonising over a future event.  All along the others on the page have encouraged…. here is her post the day after the ”future event” that she was so afraid of….

So I did it. I had THE most amazing day completely alcohol free as a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding. I was really apprehensive despite being almost 9 months free about whether I could have a good time and not feel like I was missing out without booze.

Well I can categorically say that I didn’t just have a good time, I had an infinitely better time without it. I felt anxiety free and serene the whole day, I was present and engaged and had lovely heartfelt conversations with wonderful friends I hadn’t seen in ages, I danced all night SOBER, something I thought I would never be able to do let alone enjoy. In fact I was one of the people who was on the dance floor the most! I felt incredibly alive and thankful for being in a room with so many people I love. I woke today hangover free, the absolute best feeling in the world knowing I can do this. No ifs no buts.

So if you have a similar big event coming up know that you can and will have a brilliant time without booze – once you test and prove this it will make you realise that it’s not alcohol creating the buzz and fun – it’s you and the love and friendship around you. As a wise lady said on here yesterday it’s ‘Shampagne’. Never a truer word said.

Thank you to everyone who helped me with my wobble yesterday, you guys are awesome 🌟 x

I was so heartened to read this.  I am so in heaven not drinking.  This is the present and this is where I know I belong and I should stay.  But I do stray into thinking about future events.  And when I get panicky I will come back and read her post.  I was one of the ones encouraging her, saying that it was only one evening.  Yet I know that perhaps when my time comes I will be equally tempted to say fuck it and want to drink.

Hope you are all well, my ghost readers, who possibly are not even there 😉

Byeeeee

47. Hardly counts

That is me, the one who hardly counts!

I have to think about which day I am on.  I know roughly, but if I am going to be exact I have to count.  At first I was counting every day like a crazy thing.  But now I hardly count.  At all.

I had a lovely weekend with friends, family and it was great.  At absolutely no stage over the weekend did I even vaguely want to drink.  I said to my sister… each day I am emerging into wakefulness, with the huge grateful heart that I did not drink. A thankfulness that I am not hung over or even a smidge recriminatory.   Indeed the thought of drinking stresses me out.  I know it would still be an issue.  I would still find it hard to moderate.  So for now, I am going nowhere near a bouteille.  Oddly enough I did not drink every night and was not hung over every day.  I even had plenty of mornings when I did drink that I was not hungover.  But the times when I was really made an indelible impression.  I hated those wake ups so much that I really never want them back.  So I am loving the soft drinks.

Loving all the food, not loving the kilos that I am piling on.  I will get rid of them. Soon!!!

I am not sure that this is a very exciting blog.  I am going to try to liven it up with pictures etc.  Not sure who even reads it…. Hey there if you are reading it.  And hey there even more if you are trying to give ”not drinking” a try.  It is SO good.  You will not believe yourself.

Love to you

Byeeee

 

 

 

Day 43. No inspiration….

Sometimes you need to use others’ ideas!

I am using a comment from the website that I follow…I think it absolutely identically sums up how I feel …

pippa: “just want to say thank you for your emails. They make me feel like I’m in a posse of people who are doing this amazing thing. When I feel on the periphery of the world — cos it looks like everyone else is merrily drinking (even though I know logically this is not the case) — knowing that there are other women [and men] who have made the same excuses, wondered if they were making a mistake going AF (because, you know, I’m not THAT bad), and who go from feeling on top of the world about their decision to feeling shit and weird — makes the difference. Something has shifted for me fundamentally so I’m 10% conflicted but 90% happy and that part of me keeps getting bigger and more certain.  It used to be the other way round. I feel like I’m in a cool gang now.”

I do feel

  1. that everyone else seems to be merrily drinking – including my nearest and dearest children and husband… yet I know logically that not EVERYONE is….
  2. glad that there are other people who have made the same excuses as I have, who wondered if they were making a mistake going AF – because they are not THAT bad..
  3. pleased that someone can articulate how I feel from going on top of the world about my decision to feeling shit and weird….  
  4. relieved to realise that I am 10% conflicted and 90% happy and that the happy is getting bigger and bigger ….

All the above serve to remind me that I am not alone in my quest.  And that the niggles (and that is all they are in the grand scheme) would be doubled in importance and difficulty was I drinking.  Was I numbing the good and the bad…. was I getting that feeling of being victimised, ridiculed and so on that can come with a few drinks and feeling low ….

So thank the universe that I am where I am tonight.  In bed and nearly finished day 43….And in the cool gang now.

Hope you are all doing well 😉

Byeeeee

 

41. I almost lost count.

Some bellisimo wisdom

I am still here, despite not blogging for a few days 😉 I thought I was day 40 and in fact I am day 41 and time seems to have flown.

My friends are often saying to me (and ones’ better half included) that I am not THAT bad, and this is a drastic move.  I find it easy to get suckered in and agree.  I was not THAT bad, but bad enough to google ”am I an alcoholic” and ”why do I over drink”?  often enough.

The thing has been summed up for me a little in the following from belle the sober coach:

You’re not broken.
And how I know that is you remove the booze
and things get better.
Sometimes someone will email me and say
“What’s the matter with me that I over-drink?
What am I trying to drown out?
What is my problem?”
And I’ll say
Well, I don’t think there’s a problem.
I mean I used to.
When I first started blogging, I was asking the same questions.
I’ve been looking over my first month of my blog
and I was asking it all the time.
Now I think somebody should have said to me
“There’s nothing the matter with you.
You perhaps have a low frustration threshold
You perhaps have poor self-soothing/self-care skills.
And you’re consuming a product that’s addictive…”

“So why is it hard to quit or why do we drink?”
Because our brain asks for it.
“Why is it addictive?”
Why? Why?
I mean that just seems like such a non-useful line of thought
when really: 
You remove the booze,
things improve.

And then that’s enough

The above it true.  For now I am sticking with it.  I feel so much better and happier and absolutely free like this.  Things are better.  A little example.  I have forgotten to sign a cheque for a club and it has been weeks and I have not gone and signed it and the poor lovely lady is possibly quite frustrated with me.  I went and did it the other day.  If I had been hungover or even a few days away from a few wines, I would have had a pall of self dislike and shame.  She is a fresh faced, together seeming person who is efficient and organised.  People like that usually bring out my inadequacies..  But not this time.  I felt equally fresh and free and liked myself so much.

The last thing.  I cannot overemphasise the importance of the following for me.  If I am in a little sober car and I am gaining momentum the further I speed from day 1….. I still need daily podcasts and treats every now and then.  I still need to pat myself of the back and get guidance because I still could derail – especially after the 100 days is up.  I am not going to derail (I hope) because my sober car is full of fuel, I have the sat nav on and I am being assisted by my friend in the passenger seat who has been on this trip (journey uuurgh) before me… Thank you Belle.  You are not just a sober coach but a total life coach and I am so grateful.

I hope you are all okay… and doing swimmingly and all that … Love to you

 

Byeee

37. Still here

Not checked in for a few days!  I have still been grappling with my various changes going on and am happy to report that I have worked through some head issues well!  If I had been drinking I would CERTAINLY have drunk as the triggers for stress were my usual ones that I doused with alcohol to ease the discomfort thereof.

And because I did not drink, I faced them.  If I had drunk they would have been magnified and spiralled out of proportion even more than they did anyway!  And I would be in a messy mental space.  Really messy.   I am happy to report that I am not in a messy mental space.  The tiny tiny knock on effects of not drinking never cease to amaze me.  There will have to be a single (or many) posts about them.

Thing is…. and my lovely Belle would say that this is my Wolfie speaking…. I possibly was not THAT bad.  My husband keeps telling me that I was not that bad and I am being a bit drastic.  However, I was bad enough for me.  I was bad enough to google more than once, ”am I am alcoholic?”  Which I now know that I am NOT.

My final thought.  The difference between not drinking and drinking is HUGE.  And I was not even that bad.  Not an alcoholic.  Not a secret drinker.  Not an every time getting pissed drinker.  Just bad enough for me.  And I will carry on not drinking because it feels so good.

Byeeeee