37. Still here

Not checked in for a few days!  I have still been grappling with my various changes going on and am happy to report that I have worked through some head issues well!  If I had been drinking I would CERTAINLY have drunk as the triggers for stress were my usual ones that I doused with alcohol to ease the discomfort thereof.

And because I did not drink, I faced them.  If I had drunk they would have been magnified and spiralled out of proportion even more than they did anyway!  And I would be in a messy mental space.  Really messy.   I am happy to report that I am not in a messy mental space.  The tiny tiny knock on effects of not drinking never cease to amaze me.  There will have to be a single (or many) posts about them.

Thing is…. and my lovely Belle would say that this is my Wolfie speaking…. I possibly was not THAT bad.  My husband keeps telling me that I was not that bad and I am being a bit drastic.  However, I was bad enough for me.  I was bad enough to google more than once, ”am I am alcoholic?”  Which I now know that I am NOT.

My final thought.  The difference between not drinking and drinking is HUGE.  And I was not even that bad.  Not an alcoholic.  Not a secret drinker.  Not an every time getting pissed drinker.  Just bad enough for me.  And I will carry on not drinking because it feels so good.

Byeeeee

34. Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

It is not all roses and glitter.

But it is much better to be facing my inner workings without the sheen of booze.  I am still trying to fight my head.  I am winning 😉  I guess today was the day I have most longed for the nice comfortable numbing effect of a large vodka and soda.  I am pretty emotional at the moment as my life is changing a lot with both my kids soon to be off.  And various momplicated thoughts.  Thanks to ones’ husband for the word!!!

And I would never dream of drinking now, no matter how desparately one might think one needs or wants a drink.  I pledged and keep that pledge I will.  And I KNOW with all my heart that the truth is drinking on top of complicated thoughts REALLY DOES NOT CLARIFY MATTERS.  So I am in bed with my cuppa tea (dot org) and I thought that this was a good share to share… From Saint Belle of Paris.

What are the odds that you want to go to bed tonight feeling the effects of a stroke, you know, poor balance, words not being formed quite how you’d hoped. what are the odds that you want to wake up tomorrow thinking what did i do, say, or promise?
i know a way to get the fake promising to stop. and it’ll improve your sleep (not magically, but gradually).and you’ll spend less money, and you’ll go to bed feeling pretty darn proud of yourself. you’re maybe sober and underway already. if so, remember what you’re doing 🙂 and remember to feel proud of you as you head to bed tonight. set a timer to go off at 9 pm, have a shower, read your book, and roll around in your bed yelling “i fucking love this.” if you don’t set a timer, you might forget. Belle – Tired of thinking about drinking….

“Feeling the effects of a stroke”.  I guess I have gone to bed feeling like that many 100’s of times!!  Waking up thinking what did I do or say ….?  TBH things did improve towards the end of the boozy career.  Slightly.  But then once or twice things got WAY out of hand!  And you have every googled ”am I an alcoholic” then I’m guessing (I do a lot of that) that you must have a bit of a problem with the dreaded poison.  I am not an alcoholic.  Definitely not. But I have a love/hate relationship with the stuff.  And the love stole the happiness from the next day.  And I don’t want that anymore.

Good night all (the few of you out there!!)  Another day ticked off – the further away from day one the better 😉

Byeeeeee

 

33. All bright

After a miserable Saturday it dawns bright on Sunday 🙂

All our obsessing on whatever out choice of issue (relationships… money… health ….kids/no kids) you name it … can be silenced. We just need to work out how.

For me I needed to just be myself and ask the right questions from a calm place. In one second all my grinding wheels of grrrrrr inside my head stopped.

So – for me to remember for next time a niggle obsesses …

  1. Is this really important in the grand scheme of things? Sometimes it is …
  2. If so … then what is the next right thing to do? Be honest? Ask a kind question?
    If it is important but not really life changing you can still do the above … but also replace the conversation in your head with something else. Something that energises you and does not drain you. Go for a walk, a run and bath ….whatever gives you a change of scene.
  • I think if we are hungover or tired and irritable from drink then we do not have the energy to deal with our niggles … we perhaps just douse them with anaesthetic and they don’t get resolved.
  • So there is my fourth (or fifth?) nice thing about not drinking….
  • The niggles are put in their place with less drama. There is more energy to deal sensibly with our obsessive thoughts.
  • Have a great Sunday. If by any chance you are drinking and feeling shitty and hungover …. be kind to yourself.
  • Byeeeeee
  • 32a. Narky niggles

    You are getting an extra one today.

    Even though I would not drink for £10 000 or more…. today I have been feeling that narky antsy niggling shitty feeling.  Sometimes I get a thought into my head and it eats at me all day.  Today was one of those days and I have continued to be obsessing and annoying myself with it.  There is really nothing I can do about solving the irritation.  And it is tiny but annoying to me.  So by this afternoon I was aaaarrrrghhhhhhhh.

    Me: ”All I do is bake and clean and cook and clean up and make meals and clean up and sweep and shit shit.  I have nothing to look forward to like a normal person who can go out and drink a bit boozy drink and feel floaty and not a care in the world.  I am never going to do that so POOR ME.  Frowsy boring stay at home in her apron wifey.  Shitty crappy fucky aaaarghhhhh”.  That has been me all afternoon.  My itch cannot be scratched…. So what do I do?

    I go away to be on my own.  I listen to three podcasts in a row and I feel a big sigh of relief.  Some of my ansty goes…. Then I go and I get my favourite glass – from Zara home, remember?  And I put in some ice and half a lime squeezed in and then I pour in a whole gorgeous sparkling tonic.  Then I type this.  Because my sober tools are:  listening, reaching out, writing and having a treat.

    I cannot solve my teensy-in-the-scheme-of-things issue.  But I can just do what I can to feel a bit more special and a bit more cared for by ME!!

    I hope you are having okay days.  Its Saturday and I need to have extra treats.  I am off to have a lovely deep bath…. Then some tuna and sesame and greens with my daughter and watch Bake Off.  I think that should do the trick.

    Byeeeeeee and love to you all (all??? 😉 😉 )

     

    32. Drizzle

    Unknown.jpeg

    It is a grey and cold and wet day.

    The first of September…. Every year without fail my husband says, ”First of September, it’s like flicking a switch”.  And he is correct.  The day feels colder, shorter and in general more autumnal than yesterday.  We notice the leaves changing colour and falling.  Summer is soon to be a memory.  Sniff sniff.  I do love summer.  But I also love autumn.  I guess too, for me, autumn is a time when there are less obvious drinking occasions.  So that is a good thing.

    I have been thinking a lot about the socialising thing.  Possibly because, for me, pre the entry through small -sober-door, it was what I was most afraid of.  The occasions out and about that I could NOT drink at.  Genuinely these were my thoughts….  ”Well if I can’t drink I won’t bother going” obviously not every single time, but often enough.  So here is a way of reframing that.  ”I am not really going for the people, I am going for the drinks.”  Not very cool.   Now, genuinely, I am happy to go out so that I can catch up with people and chat.  I know that I will have all my wits about me and I can really be present when chatting.  Really listen and care about what I hear.   Instead of sniffing about for a refill….

    I am in a transition stage in life.  Kids are really noticeably more grown up and will leave full time home living in around 10 days – son and around three weeks – daughter.  My son has effectively already done one year full time away.   With home holidays of course. It will be the first time for my daughter.  My hope is that they go away remember their mom how I have been this last month.  I am so much less tetchy.  Less reactive…. more thoughtful in what I say.  I have time and energy like crazy.  Witness the jam, cookies, brownies, and the AMAZING ginger beer…. All sorts of spin-offs from no booze.  Love it.

    Love it.  Love you all.

     

    Byeeeeee

     

     

    31. Another nice thing….

    So I am still collecting nice things…

    Yesterday my nice things were …… feeling oneself to be trustworthy, and then realising that one can enjoy social occasions and not drink.

    The surprise and third one…. I really thought that I would have nothing to look forward to if I stopped drinking.  So much in my life revolved (and to an extent still does) around what we could do food and drink wise…. I love food.  I love eating out.  I love socialising.  I love Aperol Spritz in Italy, red wine in South Africa… (I am an African for those of you who don’t know me.). I loved going to the UK for the ability to buy New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc… It’s summer so its rosé time.  Its winter so its red wine.  And don’t even get me started on gin and tonic cos that is anytime.  And so with nearly every fun occasion which is planned in the future revolving around the bbb (big bad booze) I really thought that I would have nothing to look forward to.  That life would be a series of dreary social occasions with me grimly gripping my soda water.  But it is not like that!!!  I have bought myself a lovely glass – not expensive – from Zara home.  It is kind of like my special occasion glass and I have a myriad of ideas of what to put in it.  That reminds me.  My ginger beer is brewing very nicely …. I actually put some of the failed batch into the soda stream… not sure that its wise …. and it fizzed like crazy everywhere but then tasted AMAZING.  So much nicer than Stoney Ginger Beer.  So I am taking that glass with me when I go away and when I go to someones BBQ and so on.  I remember everything at social occasions and I wake up feeling like a newborn.  What is not to like?  So surprise number three is that life is NOT BORING….and there is plenty to look forward to….

    In November I have planned a trip with my two besties from school.  We have not been together just the three of us, perhaps in 25 years.  It is going to be such a lovely time.  It is an effort for all three of us to carve out the time.  But I cannot wait.  The day I arrive is the 100 days deadline.  So in theory, I started this experiment for 100 days..so I COULD drink…. And of course I am only on day 31 so I won’t jump the gun…. But I am not planning to drink on this little holiday.  I know that the girls will be disappointed in my non drinking status.  But I really don’t care.  Well don’t mind maybe.  They will see that I am just the same just a better version.  With more energy… I have just said to them I am not drinking and the one said, well you had better cancel your trip!  I know she is jesting… And perhaps thinks I am only joking.  More about them and the trip another time.

    In the meanwhile.  I am a month in.  And it has not disappointed ;-).  Indeed there are many small knock on effects and I am going to have to do a separate blog on them.  Thanks for reading and thanks for the comments… And hang in there and cruise in your little sober cars.  Love ya’ll

     

    Byeeee