1051. Juggling

Here I am early in the morning, having done my ‘journalling” or writing, about to do my meditation and then make coffee, yoga stretch while it brews and then zoom into the group of Morning Prayer that I have been logging into nearly every weekday since November. I reflect on the way my mornings are. I sit and see the changes of season out of my window. It is June and thus the sun has long been up. I assess my mood. It is bright. It is generally bright.

My sister and I were discussing the ways in which we feel we have changed in the past nearly three years.

It is incredibly subtle. But the overriding main change seems to be in what we think about ourselves. The slices of shame that paralysed and poisoned. The mental fog, the ennui, the lack of energy that blocked flourishing. The inner turmoil or lack of peace that was just normal. I felt like I was running and juggling to just keep afloat. I cannot even start on how my parenting has changed… it is just so much better that to say I am present and even now most of the time is all I can do to describe the well of joy in me.

Now it is not to say I felt like this most of the time. I did not feel always hungover or on edge, but if I was drinking four out of seven days a week then at least five to six days a week I was not great. I seemed okay. And I guess I thought I was okay! Because I had nothing by which to compare.

If I was to go back now it would break my heart. I am so unbelievably content. I feel I am flourishing and in my zone. I am doing what brings me life. The difference is black and white. I am not bubbling every day, my life has a challenge or two, but the way I am able to handle the challenges and grow and flourish from them is also down to lack of poison in my brain.

Some may argue that giving up drinking is drastic. Why not just have a few glasses every now and then? And I agree. It is drastic, and a few glasses every now and then seems like a fabulous proposition. However, for many people, a few glasses now and then turns into something else. And I am one of them. There is nothing nothing nothing that booze adds to ones life.

Yes, you may say, there are the happy times sitting round a sunset with a bottle of wine and two glasses and you can upload that photo on WhatsApp or Insta to prove what a fun time you are having. But really? What is the end result? That happiness and shiny joy of the first two drinks soon dissipates and all that is left is the clamour for another glass to replicate that feeling of relaxation and ”all in well with the world-ness” that we all crave.

I sound like a killjoy to those who do not want to let go of their over-drinking. And I am sorry about that. But to let go of that life opens up something so large and expansive that it is impossible to describe.

I am not sure if I continue my blog or not. I have loved it, and it has certainly been a big factor in why I stayed sober.

How are you out there? Reading this? I am a real person and will always answer emails. Do get in touch if you are struggling or for any reason at all 😉

May you have a good day wherever you are!

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

4 thoughts on “1051. Juggling”

  1. Good for you Barbara. You have definitely made me think and helped. I no longer crave alcohol like I used to. It’s role on my life as changed and I am content reading with my water (or cup of tea!) I still drink and sometimes too much but it’s a process and I am so much better. So thank you. If you continue I will follow and if it’s a process for you that has come to a natural end then so be it. At the beginning of my journey I read all your blogs at once virtually! Take care my friend X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Please don’t stop Barbs. I love reading these blogs. They make me think and they make me smile when I think how calm you are and full of life. X


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