632. Unified

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A short thought for this Friday…. I have been ruminating on this drinking thing.  Surrounded by photos, stories and memes of alcohol…either what is being done with it during lockdown, how it is getting people through, or how the shortage of it is causing major hassles…  And also, in my family, who are largely not drinking during lockdown… what they will do when lockdown is over.  And exams, and finals of university and so… It is very ….. there in your face, and if I am not careful, I can want to join in.

So I keep myself in touch with Belle, my sober penpal, with my other sober friends, with books and not so often, but still, with my blog.  All these things help me to stay focussed.  And the thought that came to me yesterday was this.  When I was drinking it was like I had a splintered soul.  It was divided against itself if you like.  I was doing something that made me deeply mentally down, yet I could not for the life of me just stop doing it.  I bargained, I tried moderating, I had rules… and yet I (not so often in the end but often enough) always went that little step over.  It was SUCH a good idea to open that last bottle or just to have ONE for the road.  And those were the ones that sent me into a spiral of despair the next day… So instead of being a gathered focussed me, I was a split and splintered person inside.  That is the only way I can describe it.  For me, alcohol just did something inside my head/heart/soul which scratched me, drove me deep into dark places in my mind.  Why it does that to some people and not others I do not know.

But now, without it, life is not perfect… but it is whole.  I am operating in one sense, in co-operation with my soul, with me deepest self.  Wholeness.  Not splintered.

Love to you all.

B x

 

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

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