It will be a year in three days. I will be – before that – writing a suggested ”breaking up with alcohol letter”. I have read several and they are really interesting. Something in me still says, not forever. This is fine. I can trust myself that maybe sometime in the future I will drink, but just not right now.
Right now it suits me, suits my marriage, suits my children, suits my future career, suits EVERYTHING that I don’t drink.
I may be repeating stuff – and those of you patient enough to have read through this year with me, may have heard it all before but…. those of you who are new….
I was a high bottom drinker. My life was outwardly not very affected by drinking. Yes, the loss of potential perhaps, but it was not terribly evident. I had had no major major trauma from drinking. I was not drinking every day and not getting totally pissed every time I drank. But practically every time, I would wake up feeling somewhere, on a continuum, between mildly shit to deeply deeply miserable and almost unable to face the day. Wishing that bedtime would come soon and that I could just run and hide from the world. This intensified during the last year (of drinking) and it took me at least 6 months to take up a 100 day challenge.
I did this with abject terror. I was so afraid of failing (again). But I jumped in – ran and jumped and bought this website, signed up for big bucks, to a sober coach and paid all this before I could change my mind. The first week was crappy, and slowly it got better and better. There have been very very few days when I really want to drink. The rest of the time I am in a little ball of bliss.
I look myself in the eye, I hold my head up high, I am proud of every decision I make, and face all my fucking shitty points with as much honesty as I can. I cannot conceive of anything that would make me want to get back into Alcotraz. I have escaped a life sentence.
If you are new, if you are struggling, write to me. If you are on the road, and if you have relapsed, write to me. If you cannot face the first day, write to me.
All the best xxx