It is very nearly a year now… I am on countdown.
Yesterday I felt that voice whispering to me….”ooooh wouldn’t it be lovely to sit in town and have an aperol spritz in the sunshine…?” I know that it is there always that little niggly voice. And I can do one of two things. I can stomp and feel grr and irritated – which I have done in the past… or I can just put it out of my mind by doing something else.
My gorgeous young neighbour came over in the radiant heat yesterday at apéro time… I poured her and my nearest and dearest a beautiful gin and tonic. With pink peppercorns, lemons slices and mint and ice. I poured myself the exact same except with Borrago. It look identical to theirs. I had it and did not feel left out.
You see, I know that if I had had that drink as a gin and tonic, I would have felt the buzz. I would have loved the buzz. I would have invited her to have another quick one. I would have then really felt the bit between my teeth. We would have fetched our daughter from the bus (she is home from uni) and we would have had another bottle of wine with our dinner. I would have felt groggy and grotty. I would not have wandered around my garden in the hazy dusk, the heat lying in the air like marmalade, and watered my garden in the fading day. I would not have been arsed to do that because the boozy woozy would have taken its hold. I would possibly have stopped there, as I could and did often enough. But still I would have lost the precious sheen off myself. The clear eyed integrity that I feel. I would perhaps have encouraged my daughter to drink with us… and she did not even vaguely think of having drink at our little BBQ for three.
You see, I do feel jealous of the initial buzz, that people sitting drinking in the sun, get. I do want that little edge taken off, that little pep in my step… that little something that comes with a sunny day and a big cold beer. I want that too. But I need to remember FOR ME, that along with that comes (most of the time) the heavy thickness in my mind which accompanies my euphoria. It is not one or the other for me. I cannot have the buzz without the fuzz. So I choose to find the buzz in another way. I am forced to be creative and resilient and strong in my mind. And it is good for me. And I am learning new things. ALL. THE. TIME.
Day by day.
Love to you all.