I am on the verge of 300 days. I want to say that I wish I had done this years ago. Or when I tried years ago I wish I had had the support I have now. But life is life and my drinking days were not that terrible all the time. Of course, as I have high bottom, ie no real massive issues due to alcohol, apart from the odd lost phone, dignity, feeling shit, and so on.
What is very different is my head. Alcohol scrambles my brain. It starts like feeling like I am young, beautiful, funny, in love with most of those around me and full of potential… I want to chase that feeling… Then I’d say most of the time it can go okay from there, maybe half the time. The other half of the time I would carry on and on chasing the feeling until it was uuuuurggggh. And I would wake up and this would be the scenario in my head:- It was like I was alone on a stage… And somewhere in the dark was a great audience, all of the shaking their heads and pointing and tutting and accusing me of being a let down. A great big disappointment.
It was in April last year, before I gave up. That I realised that this is not true. This audience is just a figment of my imagination. But even so they stayed with me all day to torment me on a hangover day. Towards the giving up date (and for a few years before) these voices put me at the bottom of a deep dark crevasse the whole day. I would pretend I was okay, but some days the voices were so bad that I would have liked to string myself up on a rope. It sounds melodramatic from this vantage point… And when I realised that these voices were nothing but phantoms of my conjuring up, and that the reality was was that I was a deeply loved child (of God but say of the universe if God is a bit much for you) and the only person in the audience was my biggest fan who I had been ignoring. The minute I stepped away from the booze trap, I stopped those dark thoughts. Instantly. The inside of my head is clear and I know that I am precious and imperfect but deeply loved. I see the sole person in the audience. And I know what is true.
It resonates with me, the following article…And the question which follows. I would not have ever thought that I would give up FOREVER. I still don’t. But I can only say, I would not give up for one night of pissed shit, this infinite peace that lives in me.