My app says : I have not consumed 601 drinks and I have saved £2062 and never mind the calories saved… I can’t count those cos I replaced them with biscuits and cheesecake. I put in two glasses of white wine a day. Which is not all that accurate as I had nothing a lot of the time and then two bottles plus two or three gin and tonics, plus plus at dinner parties, or some hectic lunches…. So I have tried to give an average… but anyway it is a startling thing imagining 120 bottle lines up empty waiting to go to the recycling. That is a lot of fecking wine
It is taking time to get my life into the shape in which I want it. I am being very aware that overwhelm is something to avoid. But some of the things that have changed…. signed up and been accepted for a Course that I could only have dreamed of doing…. Started another online diploma in coaching and mentoring. Subjects that I am passionate about. Lugged logs and soil and started a vegetable garden. Getting regular at meditating. Sorting through my issues and difficult patches with clarity and accepting the hard things and the shit feelings without trying to numb them. I am able to look myself in the eye and feel like a person of integrity. I am starting to switch over to the thinking that not drinking is a quiet superpower instead of thinking I am missing out on all the fun. That I am the social pariah. I feel like I am there and present and will choose how I go to bed and how I wake up.
I woke up today at 545 naturally without the alarm. That is early even for me. I saw the pink tips of the mountains outside my window and the three quarter moon suspended in the blue above them. I am noticing noticing noticing all the beauty and life in the world. I did before, I am a nature lover, but there is no marring of the beauty by a spiky sick hangover.
I am aware that I can not be complacent. That one day I might think, oh my god, remember when I gave up drinking for a year… who was that person? That positive calm person of integrity. I can honestly see myself doing that if I do not keep treating not drinking with a priority number one. I need to keep the sober tank full. It is so easy to say of fuck it and have a drink. So simple to say ok, just a little taste and open the door right back to square one.
Thats my ramble for the day. I need to write this blog too. It was the second thing I decided to do to be accountable. It is not exciting or fascinating or full of horror stories of not drinking. But it is my tentative attempt to log these halcyon days xxxx