282. Coolest number


It has been a good while since I posted.  TBH I am quite sure nearly nobody reads these apart from a few friends 😉  This is quite fine with me, as I am a little shy about people I know well reading my life…. I guess that is what governs what I say!

The fact of not drinking has become normal now.  There are times when I think just one half a glass?  It would be so easy, and its so and so’s birthday and there is champagne…. and maybe if I only ever drank champagne – that could be my new rule… Those thoughts zoom so fast through my mind all the above took about quarter of a second to think… The thoughts caused no angst whatsoever.  I recognised them for what they were – the old bargaining with booze voice… but the voice had no power to make me feel left out or sad or missing something.  Because I know the following facts:

  • One drink, one half a glass is SUCH a waste of time for me.  A real not worth it affair.  I would want a few more than that if I was going to drink.
  • I know that I would be mired in regret if I drank.  I know the propensity I have for disappointing myself and I don’t want to go there.  I hate being disappointed in myself.  I love being proud of myself.
  • There are very very very very few people in the world who are good at moderating.  I am talking about people for whom alcohol is important… For people who could genuinely take it or leave it, I cannot say.  But for most of the over-drinkers of the world (more people than we would imagine) the real moderators are rare.  In my time (I spend not waste) on the internet I come across variations of the same theme:

For all of those pondering about having a drink this weekend, thinking they could possibly moderate because they’ve gone so long & they’ve got this – don’t! A month ago I thought the same, a month ago my house was gleaming, today it’s a mess! A month ago I was enjoying my garden, today it’s a jungle! A month ago I was on top of my finances for the first time in years, today my house is littered with unopened letters! Everything is a mess. It’s a fast slippery slope that ruins everything. Sat here with the shakes wondering when I will find my day one again because this is no life
Don’t give in to that wine bitch!
Soul bared

I read this time and time and time and time again.

The only solution is distance from day one.  For me, (obviously I can only speak for myself), so for me:  distance from the last drink re-carves my brain, re -wires it’s pathways neurologically to think in other ways.  Little drinks in-between stopped this re-wiring or halted this re-wiring which was why it was hard when I constantly relapsed.  For me relapsing set me back to square one.  The good done by the re-wiring of new ways of thinking was overwritten again by the drink.  The futility of the action seems underlined.  Why bother when I won’t stay stopped?  Why bother when I just cannot NOT let myself down.  And so the spiral goes.

If you are sick of trying to try then I suggest that you run run run as far away as possible from day one.  Tell yourself you can drink if you have 24 hours solid reflection on the action before you do it.  And then get people around you who will talk some sense into you as much as you really don’t want to hear it.

The fight is real.  But it gets softer and softer.

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

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