176. Four days till six months

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This is the story

See that door?  It is a door that looks impossibly mini to enter.  Tiny.  I am way too big, have way too much stuff.  It is just IMPOSSIBLE.  That was what the door to the sober world seemed like to me.

If you read from the beginning of my EXCITING blog, you will see that I felt like going through the door to a non drinking life was impossible.  Firstly of course, I did not want to GIVE UP DRINKING FOREVER.  Who does?  None of us really!

You need a big dose of courage and a great guide into the land beyond.  With that you should enter.  So I screwed up my eyes and jumped into the new world (that I was planning to inhabit for 100 days ONLY).  With a great tour guide, I found my way around and realised that this land was not as dreadful as I had anticipated.  Little by little, sticking close to the tour guide, rewarding myself for not running back through the door, touching base with some of the other inhabitants who were wanting to stay there, I find that it is rather wonderful through here.  Little by little I extend my stay.  Little by little I find it suits me here.  Little by little I get to know the lay of the land.  Going back to the other side seems like a very unattractive option.

What do I miss about the other side?  It has been the question on my mind.  I do miss the first glow of well being that enters the body after about a minute of the first big sip of wine/gin/vodka.  I liked that glow.  I liked the feeling of being young and beautiful.  I liked the feeling of being funny and interesting when I was drinking.  But let us look more closely.  The glow?  What comes with the glow?  It wears off.  Quickly.  So you need to augment the drink to get that glow back.  So you have another.  It wears off.  So you need another.  And so on.  So with the glow came the endless chase of an ethereal state which does not actually last.  But also with the glow, came a thirst for more of what gave me the glow.  And then that thirst just carried on.

I may have been funny, young and beautiful (all of which are doubtful – except maybe the funny).  Funny after 4 glasses of wine is not the same funny the next day when you are waking up and wondering if everyone was laughing with you or maybe at you?

You know, I can get the glow in other ways.  I get the glow just looking people in the eye with a clear mind and a free heart.  I get the funny too, but it is natural funny, not funny buoyed up by booze.

So what do I really miss?  Nothing.  The benefits of no booze far far far outweigh the missing of the temporary glow.  The temporary young and beautiful feeling.  The funny – well the funny is still there!

What surprises me is that I feel so good.  Out of proportion from the change that I have made.  I did not drink everyday.  I did not drink on my own.  But I think that I was always a little on my guard.  Always wondering if I could make this or that event, or drive here or there or commit to this or that occasion.  Thinking will I be hungover, will I be drinking, will I be bothered at all?  And I guess that it is a small (ish) change with a huge implication.  Anything now seems possible.

I never in a million years expected it to feel this good.

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

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