158. Board games

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This is how I am beginning to see this ”journey”.  Those who have read earlier will know I do not like that word.  It is cheesy.  But really, there is no other word for what I think I am undergoing.

I had this waking-dream-thought last night… If I were playing a great big board game called Living the Sober Life…. or something…. I would have landed on a square now where I get to pick the card called ” REALLY BELIEVE YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE”.

Until now, in varying degrees, I have been slightly jealous/slightly left out/ and so on… ON OCCASION (not all the time).  I have felt a little constrained and unnatural not drinking.  Like I was the odd one.

But running up to day 160 I can say HAND ON HEART that it has dawned on me that I am the lucky one.  That I get to choose how my day will end. I get to choose how my next day will start.  I am directing this piece of theatre that is mine to live. I feel genuinely relieved and grateful that I am choosing not to drink.  It is like a gift that keeps on giving.

So what I would like to emphasise, I guess, is this.  We have to get further away from day one to tap into these treasures, these get-out-of-jail-free cards, that are out there waiting.  They are only accessible for those of us who make it past a certain distance from day one.  Not in a smug way or a ”i’m amazing” way at all.  Just that it is not physically or spiritually possible to feel really good about this journey if you are close to day one.  The voice persuading you that you are missing out, that you deserve one little drink, that you can moderate, that you are the odd one out, that you should just drink on weekends, that you can have that odd glass of wine at a special occasion and SO ON…. that voice only silences OVER TIME.

There is not a substitute.

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

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