78. Subtle changes

Slow dawnings.

There is no question that staying on the path requires daily maintenance!  Daily reminding of why you are doing what you are doing.

For me it is so vital that I really listen to those further along than I am.  The small things they say have a big impact.  For instance… the further along from day one you get the more the perspective changes.  I really think I have had a click in my heart.  I hope it lasts.  I really really really do not want to drink.   I am not saying never again, but something in me has shifted.  I do not feel like the one who is losing out.  I feel like the lucky one.

There is not a single morning that I wake up and don’t go:  Phew!!  I am sober … goody… it is wonderful.  I cannot stress more, that if you are new reading this, that I was not an alcoholic.  I just occasionally drank more than I wanted to.  And sometimes tonnes more. But I would say,  more often than not it was just a little more than I wanted to… But the difference is extraordinary.  Knowing that I am in my safe space, my head is quiet, I feel that I have a certain integrity that I would not have if I was regularly transgressing my limits… Long may it last.

I read a post yesterday on the Club Soda page… Someone saying that they were fifty odd days in and were contemplating a few drinks at Christmas…. Classic.  And I judge not, because that has been me – though not after fifty days sober… Always trying to find ways of managing my intake.  Allowing little treats here and there.  I was DESPERATE to be able to successfully moderate.  I am yet to find one non-normal drinker who can.  By normal I mean someone who ONLY DRINKS AS MUCH AS THEY WOULD LIKE TO.  And is absolutely happy with their level of drinking.  I have quite a lot of normy drinking friends.  And also quite a lot of more boozy friends.

I would like to try a sober Christmas.  These very words seem BORING to the drinker.  And would have made me run a mile.  But they now sound full of promise, full of sanctuary, full of hope and wonder.  Yeeehi.  I think I have turned a corner.

How are you all out there? (All? – few ;-))


Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

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