a little summing up of the situation.
Some people like me, drink more than they want to. They may not be an alcoholic – I am not. But AT TIMES they over drink and they feel so so so shit the next day. Or in the middle of the night. In the shit days you tell yourself that you are going to make a plan, you are going to do this or that to drink less. You are going to get your life together and make it work. You are going to drink on weekends, or alternate with a glass of water and then a drink, or you are going to only drink vodka or only beer or only red wine and so on and so forth. This may last for a while but sooner or later there comes the night when you wake up with the shit feeling and you roll over and look at yourself in the mirror and are not proud.
Then you summon up all your freaking courage and you shut the voice up which tells you to wait till after this event, that event, Christmas, birthdays and so on, and you just STOP. IT IS BLISS.
But, as time goes by when you STOP drinking you forget those days. You think that actually you are not that bad and that you should start again. But you don’t. Just for today. Because it is nice here. It is proper and sanctified and beautiful to be sober.
But I know my tricky brain. it is always looking for a reason to justify starting to drink. There are many good reasons it says… all that amazing wine out there, wasn’t made for no reason. all those vineyards in the sun how can they be bad for you? The only way to stay in this sober holy gorgeous place, for me, is to EVERY SINGLE DAY use my sober supports.
My sober supports are these. A podcast, an email, a phone call, a treat, exercise, no overwhelm. These are my things that I have to do every day to keep in this space. If I stop. My brain will tell me I am okay to drink. I need to con my own brain. I tell it that I will drink at 100 days. Then I pledge to go 180 and at 178 days I pledge to go 270 days and so on. I want to do a year. I want to show that I can go round the sun living on this planet, at least once as an adult, and not drink a drop of booze and STILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE.
This is an experiment in sobriety. So far being sober longer term is suiting me very well.