If you are following me
and I know there my followers are few and far between but have very good taste in blogs….! If you have been following me you will know that I have a sober coach called Belle. She has been sober 6 years plus and has been an alongside person in nearly 3000 peoples’ sober journey (hate the word journey uuurrgh – too earnest)….She statistically studies sobriety….. AND…. So despite what I want to think there is overwhelming evidence as many other people have proved that …. moderation for certain of us is very nearly impossible.
I want to think that in a year I will be ”cured” of my obsession with drinking/not drinking… how much and drive… how much and not hangover…. how much and still wake up and be proud of myself… etc.
SADLY It has been proved with certainty that I will still be that SAME person with the SAME ISSUE.
My point is that the ”wolf” that she refers to – our inner voice that advises us contrary to our highest well being – the wolf wants that for me. And I want to agree with the ‘wolf’. Come a year, or maybe more… It is 1 year and 5 months today till my 50th birthday (God willing) and I am thinking ”SURELY I can drink responsibly by then?”
One night, surely??? It will be fine, I will be careful, I will not get over excited by the occasion (my son’s 21st too) and my family and friends and I will have one or two carefully chosen glasses of something expensive and it will be fine.
In reality. One night of a party is anything from 5 hours to 9 hours at a push (either 7pm to midnight or if you are going for it …. 7pm till 4am). If I am to go by past ability to NOT think ” oh wow this is AMAZING WINE… I feel so relaxed and happy and everyone is in a good mood and I am so young and beautiful I MUST have some more!!” the past ability is ZERO. I cannot remember ever having thought that sentence and it ending happily – at least not in the last 10 years. That part in italics and bold is in confusing English. Sorry. Basically I always think that thought and carry it through…..
This is wolf territory for me and though I feel that my battle is not right here and now, for I am indeed enjoying the sunshine and roses that comes with 4 whole weeks without booze, my battle is in my mind in the future.
Even contemplating this far off event is thanks to the wolf. STOP!!!!
To take proper care of myself I need to:
- Think only about today
- Treat myself as if I were my own best and treasured friend
- Do the next right thing ( in this case the washing of sheets and clothes)
- Keep in touch with the sober world via email, blog and podcast.
So I will continue to write here as often as I can, every day if possible. Not so that people can read it and I can be famous. Heheheheh. So that even if one person is reading it I will feel accompanied on my ”journey” and I will not want to let myself or them down. I will be accountable and even if it feels like I have got it all under control in the drinking department… I will know that that is what the wolf wants me to think. Hope you having great days xx