29. Lullaby to the Wolf

If you are following me

and I know there my followers are few and far between but have very good taste in blogs….!  If you have been following me you will know that I have a sober coach  called Belle.  She has been sober 6 years plus and has been an alongside person in nearly 3000 peoples’ sober journey (hate the word journey uuurrgh – too earnest)….She statistically studies sobriety….. AND…. So despite what I want to think there is overwhelming evidence as many other people have proved that …. moderation for certain of us is very nearly impossible.

I want to think that in a year I will be ”cured” of my obsession with drinking/not drinking… how much and drive… how much and not hangover…. how much and still wake up and be proud of myself… etc.

SADLY It has been proved with certainty that I will still be that SAME person with the SAME ISSUE.

My point is that the ”wolf” that she refers to – our inner voice that advises us contrary to our highest well being – the wolf wants that for me.  And I want to agree with the ‘wolf’.  Come a year, or maybe more… It is 1 year and 5 months today till my 50th birthday (God willing) and I am thinking ”SURELY I can drink responsibly by then?”  

One night, surely???  It will be fine, I will be careful, I will not get over excited by the occasion (my son’s 21st too) and my family and friends and I will have one or two carefully chosen glasses of something expensive and it will be fine.

In reality.  One night of a party is anything from 5 hours to 9 hours at a push (either 7pm to midnight or if you are going for it …. 7pm till 4am).  If I am to go by past ability to NOT think ” oh wow this is AMAZING WINE… I feel so relaxed and happy and everyone is in a good mood and I am so young and beautiful I MUST have some more!!”  the past ability is ZERO.  I cannot remember ever having thought that sentence and it ending happily – at least not in the last 10 years.  That part in italics and bold is in confusing English.  Sorry.  Basically I always think that thought and carry it through…..

This is wolf territory for me and though I feel that my battle is not right here and now, for I am indeed enjoying the sunshine and roses that comes with 4 whole weeks without booze, my battle is in my mind in the future.

Even contemplating this far off event is thanks to the wolf.  STOP!!!!

To take proper care of myself I need to:

  • Think only about today
  • Treat myself as if I were my own best and treasured friend
  • Do the next right thing ( in this case the washing of sheets and clothes)
  • Keep in touch with the sober world via email, blog and podcast.

So I will continue to write here as often as I can, every day if possible.  Not so that people can read it and I can be famous.  Heheheheh.  So that even if one person is reading it I will feel accompanied on my ”journey” and I will not want to let myself or them down.  I will be accountable and even if it feels like I have got it all under control in the drinking department… I will know that that is what the wolf wants me to think.  Hope you having great days xx

 

Byeeee

 

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

One thought on “29. Lullaby to the Wolf”

  1. You are doing soooo well anc I’m enjoying your blog very much and it’s such a great support for my sober days
    Ok I don’t want to not say that the inner wolfie voice is not tempting and it does try and it’s got me a few times this month BUT I know that I CAN drink in moderation when I feel peaceful and calm and I’ve proved that to myself have done it a lot off times before.. my 40th was the best night I drank steadily, enjoyed , danced and remembered all the night .. that inner voice def gets me when I’m grumpy/ pissed off… we can just believe the inner voice is always wolfie it can be the calm loving voice that trusts ourselves and believes that we can have a few drinks without tipping over the edge is it not easy to blame wolfie??!! When actually it’s the eb and flow of feelings and emotions some good some bad but it’s beluving that the good voice as our best interests at heart and it’s stronger but also forgiving ourselves picking up dusting off and trying again… there is a bigger voice than WOLfFIES and it’s more strong , confident and powerful and it has the best interest for us… I know for me when I achieve the controlled drinking I am so chuffed in myself it’s the best feeling because I am self loving myself… I LOVE being sober don’t get me wrong but also the controlled is like the biggest winner and fills me with joy…
    Don’t let fear control you
    Love you xxxx

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