27. Ticking along and some other stuff

Found this really interesting.  It is from Belle’s daily emails.

shelT: “Really appreciate all the folks who share [that are in your daily emails]. It seems to be absolutely key and ties us all together.

It seems that many of us grew unable to tolerate the normal roller coaster of human emotions. Experiencing them is different and at first, is quite uncomfortable at times. Soon, it becomes clear that this is easier than drowning them and replacing them with anxiety.

In an effort to understand myself and to moderate, I remember struggling to learn what cued drinking for me, but it seemed everything could be a cue. Feel accomplished? Have a drink. Feel bored? Have a drink. Feel overwhelmed? Have a drink. Feel tired, excited, worried, lonely? You know what to do!

I couldn’t figure out how to address drinking at the cue level because it was so prevalent, I didn’t know where to start!

Now I realize that was an indicator of just how intolerant of emotion I had become. It felt normal to want to take the edge off of ANY emotion.

It’s liberating to feel emotions and realize how quickly they pass. And since I don’t drink, I don’t end up feeling regret or worry.

I’m realizing how much of the time I was unconsciously hiding something since I knew I drank too much and was embarrassed about this fault. That seemed to make me think I might be doing everything kinda wrong.  Hugs, ShelT”

It is interesting how drinking does kind of taint everything.  At least it did for me.  I know what she means in the last sentence.  It is kind of like there was a little niggle always at the back of my mind that I was not totally trustworthy ?  Perhaps this is the wrong way of putting it, but its as close as I can get.

Today was hot and I did a gorgeous private wedding ceremony on top of a mountain.  It was beautiful. They all had Champagne and photos and I did think, oh I would love to join in.  Then I want past a friends’ and she had a cold beer and I had a fizzy water with a slice of lemon.  She is a one drink wonder.  Beee-atch. If it had been the old days I would have had a drink with her, and then I would have come home and the thirst would possibly have taken hold.  I would have found an excuse to have another drink, perhaps with my friend down the road, or maybe even coerced my daughter to have one with me.  I would not have necessarily gotten drunk, but I would have had the edge taken off my productivity.  And I would have been fuzzy and irritable.  It is better this way.  No decisions to be made.  I drink soft drinks.  That is me.  I have no wish to return – at the moment ;-).

Love to you xxx


Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

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