Scared …but do it anyway

Before and after

I have woken up on day 19 – Sunday morning – feeling alive and full of energy.  I feel full of potential and I feel a kind of irrepressible joy.  And I realise I am becoming the kind of wholesome-thinking person that I used to find annoying and yet be jealous of!!

It is not as though I was always hungover – but I often was especially during the summer – so why am I feeling so different?  I think it has to do with looking forwards into the (near) future and realising that there will be no hangovers and no sluggish shitty days to put the brakes on my productivity.

I wish I could tell anyone who wants to stop drinking just how worthwhile and wonderful it is.  But I also realise that whilst I was lurking (on Belle’s site ‘Tired of thinking about drinking”) and DREADING DREADING DREADING day one, I realise that I read those kind of words and really didn’t believe them.  ”You don’t know me” I said, ”I am different, I will be bored and boring without booze”.  I totally did not believe that life without alcohol would be so MUCH EASIER.  And this is EVEN THOUGH I did three months off 6 years ago, and I had THE BEST summer of my life… EVEN THOUGH I had had this experience I was STILL TERRIFIED to push the button.  How tricky our brains are.  We are often our own worst enemies.

So here’s the thing.  All we need to do is face the fear and do it anyway.  And when we have squeezed through the door into soberland we will realise it is actually not that scary or that awful this side of the door!   We do not need WILLPOWER, we do not need NO EVENTS COMING UP,  we do not need ANYTHING at all to start except a JUMP!  A JUMP off the booze train, out of the elevator or however you want to see it.

But here is the other thing.  We can have been in soberland before and when we go out we can NOT want to go back in!!  As I said above, the brain is a tricky thing.  We need to be aware and humble that we are all one drink from day one.  This post is not about relapse… but about how aware I am of how difficult it is to jump off the train.  And people around you who are screaming down the booze highway or sailing down the booze elevator will not like you stopping.  And that is not their fault.  They cannot help but be scared – as you or I was.

So back to the title…. Before = bloody terrified.  After = absolutely delighted.  I have made brownies and taken them to the little epicerie down the road, to a lady who sells them in her gorgeous shop.  I did that from Day 2 – offered my brownies to her shop and so far I have 140 euros in a little green envelope for something special.  I am keeping it to show myself that I can generate something out of my sobriety.  I have made the most delicious granola known to man.  My daughter and I have almost finished it.  I have made my ginger bug to make my ginger beer.  I will 100% make other naturally fizzy drinks – I just like the fizz.  It makes me happy.  I am going to re-read a series of books that I loved as a teenager.  Buy them online and read them.  Because I can.  I have not once put the TV on and have had three nights in a row totally on my own…. I have emailed for an application for a course that starts in September.  I read about it and am BEYOND excited to do it.  It is tailor-made for me.

Ramble ramble ramble.  I don’t blame the new subscribers if they switch off 😉 but I can be evangelical about booze free here and I am SO that!!!  So if you know anyone who is afraid, then let them cast an eye on my blog and be encouraged….

Author: barbsfalkiner

Approaching fifty, life about to change and want to try something different....

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s