Feels like ages…
I have not been able to save what I have written the past few days. I hope this one sticks.
I have much to say and not much time! It is truly a week of socialising that has past for me…. Every single day bar none, since 1st August, have there been drinking occasions. I come from a fairly big drinking family, it would be safe to say, and my mum and her husband have been here staying. It has been surprisingly simple to know what is for me and what is not. I have been sticking to mes choses… and my other drinks of bitter and better for me brands. Once I explained that I cannot hangover – it wastes my life and sends me into a crevasse of self-despising misery – they understood. The initial reaction was…. what a crazy thing to do! Even now everyone seems to think that at day 100 I am going to get so pissed that I cannot stand! My strategy is very strictly sticking to thinking about today only.
I am reprogramming my drinky brain. It has been (with a few tiny pauses) been drinking for 33 years. That is a mighty long time. I love myself without booze. Really really really really love looking the world in the eye without the background of something just ”not right”. Waking up in the night feeling that all is well with my soul.
It comes at price of no hangovers, no shame, no guilt, no gorgeous white wine in the cool summer, and no rich red in the winter and no cold beer on the verandah, and no rose in the spring…. However, I can put something coloured in a wine glass and sip it and feel like I am joining in and it will be fine. The craving lasts all of 5 minutes and it goes. It is weird how one drink can de-rail everything. And I am not an alcoholic …. I certainly didn’t do a bottle a day, any secret drinking, any alone time drinking and so on… and I find it hard to contemplate a future without it…. However, one thing is sure, day by gentle day the brains plasticity reshapes our thinking… I am going to keep on keeping on. Never more than now do I understand ”one day at a time”. The last time I gave up I was holding my breath for three months so that I could get back in the saddle. Not this time. It is different.