227.5 And nicely settled thanks

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checking in

I have the great fortune of being in Italy right now.  Staying with my sister in Lugano, and looking after her dogs and her daughter.  None of which is in the least bit taxing.  I have been here as a drinking person, and now have a comparison as a sober person!  I have done the dog walk a bit hungover and today I did it fresh as one of the millions of daisies that sprinkled themselves over the paths.  There are primroses everywhere, the magnolias are like pink ballet slippers in the trees, the camellias are showing off, the buds are just insane.  I am living at full volume.  In a good way.

I often notice how much calmer I am in every way as a non drinker.  It is odd, I was not drunk all the time!!  Not even nearly.  But the difference in cutting it out is immense.  It is like there were pockets of drinking and hangovers which were like bit splodges on the horizon, and they were fairly regular, and when they were really regular they leaked out into the in-between periods and tainted them.  Colouring life with an anxiety that is now noticeably missing.  It is like there was a knot in my solar plexus and it is gone.  Unravelled.  And there are big deep breaths of pure relaxation in its place.

I was talking to my husband today about the calmness.  I think that if you are touchy a few wines makes you doubly touchy.  If you are feeling sensitive then a couple of glasses or more of wine really ignites that sensitivity.  If you are feeling shit about yourself for whatever reason, feed that feeling with a bit of booze and boy does it grow.  For some of us alcohol is a revver upper of whatever we are feeling.  I get soooo over excited and crazy with a lot of drink in me.  And I feel like I don’t give a shit!!  Until the next day when I give so many shits that my day is ruined.

Of course I want to sit in the sunset with a gin and tonic.  Of course I would like to sip an expensive red wine with dinner.  Of course I would love an ice cold South African Sauvignon Blanc on a hot sunny day at a BBQ.   A sparkling glass of Prosecco for sundowners… Yes all these things pull and attract one.   But would I trade them for this feeling of well being and calmness.  No.  Not in a month of Sundays.

Hope you are all well and enjoying your weekends.

Byeeee.

 

PS

I finished Dry by Augusten Burroughs and really enjoyed it.  So much so that I decided to read. his next book Running with Scissors.  Good Lord.  Compelling reading, and very upsetting and disturbing.  The way he grew up set the scene perfectly for a self medicating adult.  I can see why he wanted to escape his reality.  He was a proper full on alcoholic.  Big style.  And now he is sober – years sober – and living a calm life (from what I can tell).

219. Just for the record

I shared that because I put my drink as wine and I put it at 2 glasses a day… now some days would be none but some days would be five and a couple of gin and tonics perhaps… so I guess it averages out… and at 2 glasses of wine a day I have NOT drunk 100 bottles of wine 😂😂

That’s quite a thought… one person facing 100 bottles PERSONALLY consumed!!! – and taking them to the recycling !!! Aaaargh!

This is just an aside … for the record…

I have what is called “sober momentum” and every time you have a little lapse that sober momentum stops dead and you need to rev it up again … according to statistics… a person can be YEARS sober, have a relapse and it can then take literally years and years to get another sober momentum streak going.

One step at a time… I am laughing as I think of me drinking on average 2 drinks a day for YEARS … I am laughing (sort of) at how many bottles have been personally consumed if there are 100 in 220 days???

Have a good Friday 🙂

Love to you all…

217,63. An aside

Beautiful people

 

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I read this wonderful post from Rachel who is a couple of days ahead of me…. I think it is wonderful :-

You know what I’m loving about sober today?

Giving a fuck again. 😁

Last night I noticed my sock drawer was a mess, correction has been a mess for 4 years since I moved into my house. I must sort this dam drawer I said to myself. The fuck?? did I just give a fuck about my sock drawer?

I also make my bed now every morning. I never did that, why the hell would I make my bed? I don’t care about it and no one else is sleeping in it.

But I do now because I give a fuck.

Ok, so it’s not just sock drawers and my bed. It’s little bits of everything. I care about other people, genuinely, their days, feeling, worries.

For me, hands down, addiction made me an entitled selfish brat. So long as I got my wine, I didn’t care. I actually drank NOT to care! Quieten them thoughts in my head and other people’s noise. Me and my wine is all I need.

No more, I care again now. About every second of my day and those in it. Most importantly, I care about ME, not in that selfish addicted way. Just in a way that I want to make each day the best it can be.

Starting with a bed that’s made. 😊

Happy Wednesday xx

Thanks Rachel.  That sums plenty of things up for my post of the day.

It is gratifying to know there are people around who understand where you are coming from.  I even fold my pyjamas (nearly everyday) 😉 I also wake up and put the cream on my face, and go to bed and put another different cream on my face.  So I feel like I am looking a bit younger…heheheh.  Plus I am able to get some regularity into my life.  Some consistency in personal things… to nourish the spiritual side of my life… It all takes time…

 

I am a notorious non-sticker-to-things… Start things with a burst of enthusiasm and then it tails off because the energy is just not there for consistency.

But with the regular bedtimes and waking times and just general regularity of life I feel so much more settled and calm and together.

Byee all you wonderful people.

 

216. Weird one

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Sobriety

I think one of the best things about this whole sober thing is that I am not constantly slightly disappointed with myself.   I am now just a little bit relieved all the time that the decision about drinking has been made.  I am not.

Today I read somewhere, I think it was on Club Soda page on FB, of a recommendation for a book called Dry by Augusten Burroughs.  So as is my usual love of buying books on my kindle I bought it straight away.  I am only about one chapter in, and it is breaking my heart…. So much drinking is in our lives to try to dull pain.  And granted, it works to a point.  Drinking does take the edge off.  But really?  It is an anaesthetic and dulls the good things too.  And to top it off it is addictive.  So you believe you need it.  What a giant con the whole thing is…

Drinking is so much a part of our culture that we, who have decided to knock it on the head, for whatever reason, are seen as the weird ones.  I guess I will live with that.  I will keep you posted on if Augusten’s book turns out happily.  I’m sure it will because otherwise it would not have been recommended 😉

Trying to find creative ways of relieving stress, boredom, sorrow, irritation or disappointment has become a big quest in my life.  I have now got a little array of ways in which I can help myself to feel better that does not involve reaching for the shortcut, lazy way to temporary edge-offness…. More about that next time.

A hello too, to those who are new to my blog.  You can look back and see the build up if you have lots of time on your hands… Well not even lots, it is quite short.  But love to you all….

 

Byee

 

215. Life lines

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Happy and healthy

I have just come off reading the Club Soda pages on facebook.  It is both heartening and heartbreaking reading some of the posts.

This is a message to anyone out there who just cannot get it together to stop drinking… and who hates themselves for the repeated fails… :-

your reasons for drinking are going to be complicated.   Don’t try and untangle why you overdrink.  Just commit to someone to whom you can be accountable and stop for three months.  Tell yourself if you don’t like being ”stopped” then you can start again.  But give it a good fat try.

  • Listen to podcasts.
  •  Get to understand sober treats.
  • Read quit lit.
  • Personally I paid for a sober penpal because being sober has been priceless and I have more than made up for the money spent on the penpal by not spending tonnes of wasted money on booze. ( http://www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com )
  • Buy a nice glass.
  • Stock up on citrus and a few berries and some expensive bottles water.
  • Be accountable.
  • Commit

There are plenty of people out there who can support you.  And remember do not let fear dictate your future.  That is the phrase that pushed me through the sober door.

Happy to hear from any of you.  My email is in the bio.

Byeeeee

 

7. Months in

It’s a long while now….

Hello out there to you, who are watching this from the Netherlands, Australia, Italy, France, South Africa, UK and USA…. I am happy when I see a person has visited… It is encouraging, mutally so I guess.

The big deal of not drinking has been obvious to me the last few days.  I have felt that old urge to get out of my head a little.  Not for any reason that I can put my finger on.  I am not particulary tetchy at the moment.  Just busy I suppose.

It is vital for me to keep remembering why I am doing this.  I hated the mornings after I had drunk too much.  And this time last year I went to the birthday ”do”.  My sister and our mutual really good friend had a dinner.  (We are going tomorrow to the self same place that we went last year.)  Last year I woke up the next day thinking I had lost my credit card, handbag and coat.  Yes three losses.  I sheepishly called the person who I THOUGHT gave me a lift home… all the while pretending to my kids that I was not feeling like a dead rice krispie….was my coat in their car?  I called the restaurant, was my bag or credit card there?  I found all three items at home.  Coat hung in cupboard on a coat hanger…. not a clue that I had done that.  Bag and card intact on kitchen chair.  A little hidden.  Hmmmmmmm.  Massive memory loss about the end of the night, going to bed…. Flashes of smoking a cigarette with the chef…. Flashes of weeping and snotty me at the bar….

That was not a regular occurence I must admit, but it happened every now and then… I was feeling extra emotional and when that used to happen I went for it drink wise.  Also if it was a big crowd and the wine was flowing, I would feel like I really needed to make sure I got my share (cringe).  So that was a year ago.  This year will be different.  I will be an unrecognisably different creature.  And a creature that I am proud of.

I even look forward to going to bed now, because I know I am going to sleep like a baby.  I know I am going to wake up with that little pep of ”yippee” I am not hungover.  It doesn’t get old.  It really still excites me.

Saying all that, there are times when I marvel at why I can’t just have a glass or two of wine and leave it at that.  But I’ve been there SO OFTEN it is actually boring.  I would hate sitting there having one or two glasses when the wine is flowing.  There would be no way I would enjoy myself.  Now, I just know, it is not for me.  Out of bounds.  So tonight … I am going to our friends house (the restaurant scene of the crime is tomorrow night) for the pre-tomorrow birthday get together…. I have my mint leaves, my ginger beer, my bitters (I allow myself angostura bitters!!) my juniper berries and my quiche, hummous, veg, olives (we are doing nibbles) and I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a new zingy human…

Big cyber love to you all out there in your corners of the world, doing your sober thing, not doing your sober thing… Wishing you were doing your sober thing, contemplating doing your sober thing…. wherever you are in the ”soberville” life I send my HUGE LOVE.

 

BYEEEE.